While on vacation I did some reading. One of the books I read was Liberating Ministry From The Success Syndrome by Kent and Barbara Hughes. Kent Hughes served as Senior Pastor of College Church, Wheaton, IL for 27 years. I took the book along because I was trying to understand why, given a wonderfully supportive congregation, I was feeling so stressed and tired. The book helped me start thinking and I want to share with you some of my story.

Its ugly head reared itself in 1983. The roots were undoubtedly already there but in 1983 the weed began to grow. Mine is a common weed with a common name – FEAR. Some background might be helpful. In 1978 I was called to be co-pastor of a church plant in downtown St. Louis. It was in a neighborhood that makes St. Elmo seem like living on Lookout Mt. – in the really nice section. 30 of us moved into this neighborhood. Around 1982 we were able to buy a building. But by 1983 cracks in my relationship with the session were becoming evident. A large part of the problem was that I did not know what I was doing. The other part of the problem was that I was pastor of a church that a church trouble-shooter told me was one that no one could pastor. Not knowing what to do I resigned as pastor in 1984.

It was hard and disappointing and I thought I had dealt with it. But that is the way of hurts and disappointments and sorrows – they can burrow down and lie dormant until the time is ripe and then they erupt. And I am convinced that my feeling stressed and tired is a manifestation of this fear that lay under the surface. I do not want to ever feel the pain I did in 1983-4. So I try to protect myself and keep everything safe and secure. It’s a losing battle and takes its toll.

So September was a time to regroup and repent. Especially to repent of attempts at self-protection - trusting self instead of God. I wanted to share this because I think it is good that you know where I struggle so that you can pray for me. In addition, I know that I am not alone. We are a community of people who bear scars and hurts and fears. That is one of the reasons we are called into community – so that we will have a place where God can care for us as we proclaim the Gospel to one another and to those around us. We need to hear it – and often. I know I do. Because as we hear and believe the Gospel, as its good medicine is applied to our wounds, then we can serve and give ourselves to one another and the world around us; which, after all, is the reason we are here.